Your baritone is my symphony.
Hi, I’m Ijya. Year 2020 has been such a ride. I see people struggling to pass each day with courage and strength. This diary is an attempt to find happiness and motivation in my mundane life. Honestly, I don’t expect anyone to read it. But if you are reading this, just know that you will overcome whatever it is you are going through. Hold on!
Nov 15, 2020 | 00:17
The pandemic has taken a new turn. People seem to have lost their patience. There is a slight drag of desperation. Everyone is trying to hold onto something, one thing that can make them feel better.
Honestly, life doesn’t seem like life anymore. There are so many constructs that we built to seek happiness and satisfaction: holidays, festivals, religion. Now, all that matters is that you are alive and you have food to eat and a shelter to live in. People in adversities are still facing adversities. And people like me, well, we are just trying to do our job right. We are trying to be good partners, good kids, good employees. We cannot risk to offend anyone. And yet, we are offending one little person the most. An important one. The Me. We are burning ourselves out, we are losing our minds, and we are still trying to push ourselves harder.
Need to take a breath. Need to sit down with Me. And do nothing. It’s okay to do nothing. If that’s what makes you feel good, do nothing. And if something does make you feel good, please do that. For yourself.
Nov 15, 2020 | 00:17
Nov 18 |00:49
Being stuck in a situation is very easy. Sulking over it comes naturally. But can we shift our thoughts to something better, can we try to look at the better parts of the day? If we can, we must try. I listened to music at the start and end of my day. And I cried too. Just now. Thinking about all the good things that could have happened to me if this pandemic hasn’t stricken the world. My wet, tired eyes tell me that it’s no use to cry or think so much. “You have been dreaming too long but some of those dreams have definitely come true. So don’t lose hope. Something is going to happen soon. Something good. Something that will change your life.
But this time for the better. Take a deep breath.”
Nov 19 | 00.00
Have you ever travelled in the backseat of a car? At first it’s a joy ride. You don’t have to look at the road, you don’t have to worry about the traffic. But after a while, the repetitive patterns of trees, and cars and the wide spaces of the sky, start making you dizzy, calm and eventually sleepy.
Right now, I am in the trunk of that very same car called life. The darkness, and lack of scenery outside keeps me awake throughout the journey; the bumps hurt hard, the stops are a relief and an occasional opening of the door brings in a breath of freshness. But I cannot get out, for the journey is still long. And I don’t know how long it would take for me to take the wheel. I have been trained for a racecar, but the racing tracks are unfortunately jammed with traffic, and melancholy. For now, I try to light up my little place here: singing, reading, dreaming. Travelling, and moving further, one moment at a time.
Nov 22 | 00.11
Started asking too many questions. Again. Life has to become better now. No plan has come to life. But some dreams have. So, I am dreaming again. I dream of my freedom, of a life that I enjoy living. I have just tasted a drop of freedom and I want to devour it. Even though control has been the only way my loved ones seek to see my world. I have come to a conclusion for myself. Nothing should control me. Not even their emotions and love for me. Or my love for them. One way or the other, it only hurts.
Finding my way out
In the best way possible.
Nov 23 | 00.08
It is a big big world. And within our smol limits, we want to reach out to as much as we can. Today, I spent a very dreamy Sunday. Dreaming about the life I really want to live. Independent. Fun and Frolic. Freedom. Friends. Courage. Everything to be a part of my own little character. I want to build myself. I don’t think I want to be in an “official relationship” called “marriage” like my parents want me to. Because first I want to break free of the cage. I cannot be transferred from one cage to another. That’s not how I see my life. That’s not how anyone should see their life. Sadly, that’s what my parents believe their duty is: ‘to hand me over’ to some guy who will take care of me? Really? Why do you think that guy would be able to take care of me and I won’t be able to take care of myself? Rules of marriage and culture have long plagued our country. I think some of it is also because of the British and their “holy rules of the Church.” Yes, India also has had many of its own rules, and that’s why it is so fucked up. Hence, independence and control over my own life is the first thing I need to breathe and to be a person I want to be. And I am sure I won’t be able to give anyone else any happiness unless I am content with what I have achieved and become in my life. Can anyone explain that to parents?
For a new beginning.
Nov 26 | 16:31
Last two days have been hectic yet fun. I enjoyed working on a few ideas and discussing things with my team. I think we have a better pace, a better connect. Fingers crossed to that. I am trying my best to give my best, let’s hope I will find my way through and eventually get what I want in life. Freedom is not far away.
Dreams will come true
that’s what I will keep believing in.
Dec 14| 22:25
What a complete idiot I have been. I had promised myself to keep this diary updated. Each day, every day to keep my flow going. Like someone recently said to me, being in flow is the most beautiful thing one can achieve. I can’t believe I forgot to achieve my flow. How petty I feel in this vast universe of craziness, doing insignificant things and trying to make sense out of my life. But nothing can be more important than my flow. How could I not understand this. How did I let it go? I not only want a life of independence, a life with the person I love, a life of my desire; I also desire my flow, my love of writing and reciting to go on forever. I have been lazy, trying to figure out a day at a time. Not realising how important it is to do things right now. Future can fuck itself, past can fuck itself. I need now. I need my imagination to go beyond the skies that my family and friends do not even understand. That’s what my flow is. That’s where my heart resides. These worldly adulting things have been killing my childlike brain. I need to BELIEVE. I must believe, and I believe in a beautiful world that I will live in NOW. My time has come. It is true. January 2021 is going to be my time.
I am going to break free
Apr 3, 2021 | 11:35
I spent the last few months (Jan to Mar) figuring out my life. I wasn’t here for a new year post. But don’t worry, I was writing. I was writing on my notebook, I was writing on my alternate Instagram page. I have gone through a lot of turmoil in the last couple of weeks. I have seen how parents, families, colleagues, friends and all surrounding situations can break a person. It is all inside us. If we let it all inside, it starts damaging us. Inner peace is a real deal. I have always tried living the way I want to. Even though I was subjected to so many restrictions, rules and conditioned emotional blackmail. I have been a good kid and I am surely proud of myself. I have missed out so much in life, I haven’t seen and experienced things many others my age have. I don’t regret the way I have lived, but now, it’s just that I really want to change things. I want to enjoy living again. Lockdowns, home quarantines: these have been my entire life to be honest. Somehow, I had managed to push my parents off to go to Open Mics, to go meet my friends once in a while, to talk to my buds at night. Nothing changed in them, they just kept on pestering, kept on “giving permission” with high restrictions. Then Covid-19 hit, and the freedom that I tasted in my second post grad college, went poof! I am a scared soul. I have big aspirations and yet the conditioning, the fear that is inflicted on me everyday keeps holding me back.
If you don’t decide for yourself, others will.
Why are the personal lives of Indian girls a subject matter for everyone around them?
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